Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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