I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
