Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
