On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
