Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
