chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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