Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
