Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
