a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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