I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
