They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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