I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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