Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
