Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize