Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
