Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
