So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think your dad took our porno
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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