I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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