my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
