Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
