White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
