I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
