i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
