you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
