if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
