If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize