I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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