Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize