Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
