So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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