At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
