Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
