so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I have already put on my inside pants.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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