I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
