Your dad touched me again.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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