i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
