Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize