the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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