I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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