I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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