he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
