I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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