overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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