NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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