cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
