I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't deserve a penis
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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