YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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