theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
