Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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