I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
