Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
