how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
