I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
