His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize