Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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