Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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