Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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