AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
