I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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